Today I want to share a post I wrote in a mental health support group. This post highlights my social anxiety and its effects. I have come a long way since freaking out at the propect of talking to strangers, in my early twenties. But lately I have relised that some situations are hard for me. Here I give an example of one.
Twice in the last 2 weeks, my depression and social anxiety has got the better of me! As I have mentioned, I am into racing die-cast cars like a big kid. Nearly 2 weeks ago, on the night where my depression hit me the hardest, I went to have a look at new cars in the store to kill some time. A young guy starts looking too, and asked me what cars I was looking for. I could have told him what I was doing, I bet he would have loved to know me. I lied and said I was looking for my niece (slightly true, I buy her cars too).
About an hour ago, I did it again. I took my cars out to the garage, opened the door to let the light in, and shot some promotional video’s. Once I was done, a little girl about 10 walked past with her mum. She saw all the cars on the table and was fascinated with them all. She told me I should race them. I told her that I already was going to (I got that bit out this time!). So she asked me for my YouTube name! I lied again and said I didn’t have one! I lied to a little girl! I would love to get to the point where I can speak with passion to strangers, about the things I love, without being scared of them ridiculing me. I need to accept that people find me an interesting person and not everyone will mock me. I guess that’s the effects of bullying growing up. Its ingrained into me, the thoughts of “what if they say this… “
Just thinking about it, I find it interesting that my brain goes to the lie straight away without even considering that I should share my passion. Furthermore, it makes me sad to think that I could have brightened up the young man’s and the little girl’s day by sharing my hobby with them. Its something I really want to work on. Share with no fear!