This is a blog post I do not want to write, about a situation I was hoping to avoid. But due to recent events it was inevitable. Its time to (somewhat) face the music. My father is back. I do not like it, but I have to be near him.
The back story
I grew up in a toxic household, with someone who could not control his anger, and would scream and break things. I was also bullied at school, so I am certain both factors lead me to being scared of people. In my early to mid twenties my social anxiety was terrible. It was only going to university in 2008, that I managed to improve on it. But still to this day, I have problems. I also have nightmares that he is back in my life.
When I was 18, he finally left. I went to school that day celebrating with my friends. He came back briefly a week later. Perhaps that’s why I have the nightmares. I saw him for about a year after, a few times. Those meetings were good. Then he stopped them. For a couple of years my sister and I got birthday presents with a card attached, that didn’t say who they were from. Weird but it was something. Then, nothing. No contact what so ever. I didn’t really care. My view was always that if someone toxic wants to walk away from you, hold the door for them!
About that time he made a comment to mum, that he had to leave or he would have killed me. Literally or figuratively? I was starting to stand up to him, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was capable or murder. My sister got in touch with him a year or 2 ago, he blamed mum. I didn’t buy it.
Now, we have reached a point that our paths are going to cross. Sadly my nana is dying. We all know she hasn’t got long. My grandfather, has just had heart failure and is not in a good way mentally. This Saturday is his birthday, and everyone has decided to put a dinner on for him. Myself, my mum, and my sister all invited.
My sister, for her own personal reasons, wants to go. For myself and my mum, its harder, but mum is going. That leaves me. I am in the awkward position of wanting to support them both and my grandfather. But I have worked so hard to shut my father out of my mind. Why on earth will I want to undo that?
I have decided to go, just to show my support. I will not be talking to or even acknowledging him. If he tries, I will politely tell him I do not wish to talk and I never will. It’s going to be a very hard night for me, but I feel like it’s the right thing to do. And others have given me advice, that this may make me feel a bit better about it.
My only concern is, I do not want to show any signs that I am affected. He does not deserve to see that. For that, I need others to not upset me in any way, because I will be feeling bad on the inside. And when I am like that, it comes out real easy.
I will update on Sunday on Monday, about how it went! Wish me luck!!